“I often don’t feel God“, is a saying that ruled me for a few months.
I’ll be blunt and to the point … I took a hiatus from writing because I didn’t feel worthy to write for a blog committed to truth & the transformation of lives through the love of Christ. I began to doubt if I were ever in it for the right reasons & I began to fall back from accountability, authority, & admonition from others. You too may feel this way in some facet of your life.
I do apologize. My mentality was that sin was so rampant in my life that I am unworthy & I would have to fix myself up before I was worthy to write again. But God, being so rich in mercy showed me that I think far too highly of myself.
Absence made me feel as though God was so far from me & it would take time to rebuild our relationship & just when it felt like we were getting better … I would sin again. Sin being anything from illegitimately fulfilling sexual desires, pridefully asserting authority over others, cowardly avoiding situations to share the love of Christ, arrogantly being self-absorbed, guiltily blaming myself for the guilt of others, & not feeling as if God loved me as much as He used too.
I once felt like me & God were so tight & I thought He had my best interests in mind. I thought that if I followed Him I would be like pastor such & such & always feel joy overflowing. But God, being rich in mercy put my faith to the test. Left & right everything in my life began going wrong. I went from best worker to worst, good painter to worst, and a decent preacher to worst. I felt so condemned.
Every night I stayed up contemplating how to get closer to God … every night I prayed & prayed, but seemingly to no avail. My greatest fear became the idea that my sin became greater than the Holy Spirit living in me. I was scared to even pray because I didn’t want to be let down by God again. This was when things took a turn for the worst & I completely lost who I was.
When I hit rock bottom was when healing came.
I learned that,
- like Cain all I can do is offer my best offering but be careful because sin is crouching at my door like a predator waiting to pounce (Gen 4:6-7)
- I was saved by the Spirit so I should stop trying to be sanctified by the flesh & the law (Gal 3:1-3)
- it doesn’t matter if I look stupid for Jesus (Phil 1:27-28)
- there is a God who loves me too much to give me over to my idols (thanks Tullian)
- people actually care about me & I don’t have to pull stunts to earn affection (ain’t got no proof but I feel it, lol)
- in the midst of sin God can use you to reveal His righteousness (Jonah 1:7-16)
- an alien righteousness resides in me apart from anything that I do (Phil 3:2-11)
- I should risk the ocean, because there is only grace (Sometimes – DCB)