CAUTION: This blog may make you upset, but the ultimate aim is for you to see love in a possibly very different way.
I hear and read this quite a bit from my female peers. In loving curiosity, I have asked why these women would say that and it always goes back to a broken relationship with a guy, always. More specifically, this stance on love usually stems from a broken relationship in which sex was involved. You know, the guy and gal did the do and then for one reason or another, the guy left the relationship. The guy usually gets it in under some pretense of marital insinuation, and the girl is broken by the prince that never was. And while there is a large contingent of males young and old who harbor harsh opinions towards these women, they have neglected the fact that they own a large bit of the blame.
Peep This…Genesis 38:6 And Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, and her name was Tamar.7 But Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the Lord, and the Lord put him to death.8 Then Judah said to Onan, Go in to your brother’s wife and perform the duty of a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.9 But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his. So whenever he went in to his brother’s wife he would waste the semen on the ground, so as not to give offspring to his brother.10 And what he did was wicked in the sight of the Lord, and he put him to death also. Let’s take a moment to add some cultural context. Back then, in order to preserve the family line, it was culturally acceptable for a brother to marry his deceased brother’s widow. Onan’s brother Er was wicked in God’s eyes, so God killed him. Onan then is called by his father to marry Tamar, Er’s widow. Onan is asked to “raise up offspring for [his] brother”. The thing is Onan would have sex with Tamar, but as the text says he would pull out. The text then says God kills Onan because “what he did was wicked in the sight of the Lord”.
So if it was culturally acceptable for Onan to sleep with Tamar, why all the pulling out?
Onan wanted to get what Onan wanted, which was a nut (yeah I’m sorry, it sounds bad…but that’s what the text says). Onan just used Tamar as a receptacle for his selfishness. When it came down to actually planting a part of himself inside of this woman, he pulled out. He didn’t want to cultivate, he wanted to copulate. This wasn’t love-making, this was extended masturbation. His act of wickedness was being selfish, and not loving this woman.
The text revealed that because Onan used Tamar as an object of extended masturbation, God killed him. This is a problem for us, because most of us guys are Onan’s. We literally get it in, and do our thing for 1, 4, maybe even 20 whole minutes (#wow!), but when it’s time for insemination what do we do? That’s right, we pull out (most of us get tired of pulling out and want to increase our chances of not getting the woman pregnant, so we just wear a condom, which is worse than pulling out really).
**And for the guys who are saying “well wait a second, I have a child and I raise them too”, I’d say good for you man, but 1. did you go in planning to have a child, or 2. did you just get caught up, or worse 3. knew you’d get her pregnant and have an abortion and then she said she’s not down? You’re worse than Onan too. There’s good news for you too if you keep on reading.**
Men, we are willing to do it all, cuddle in bed afterwards, share a dog, pay for the food, buy the movie tickets, take her on a trip to New Zealand, but we aren’t willing to make a commitment. We’re willing to get as much as we can from them, without giving them any part of us. It’s selfish, and certainly not loving–God actually calls it wicked. And like Onan, God has a punishment for your wickedness (death).
For too long we’ve followed in the marks of Onan, acting out of pure selfishness. We don’t want offspring, we want to get it in and get out. We’re not looking to produce, we’re looking to pollute. Thankfully, Jesus Christ died for this wickedness. The Bible says “while we were yet sinners, Christ died for the ungodly (Romans 5:8).” You see, Jesus Christ went all the way in for some folk who didn’t deserve it. He didn’t look for pleasure in self-preservation, He saw pleasure in being obedient to God and honoring Him. He looked beyond Himself. He died on a Cross, not because He was wicked, but because we were wicked. After paying for the sin of all those who believe on the filthy cross, He was buried, He sowed His seed (which was Himself) into the ground. And He didn’t pull out early. He stayed in the Earth for three days. That seed did not lay dormant, it rose in new life. This new life represented the life that would be given to the millions upon millions of people who would place their faith in Jesus Christ. You see, His seed was not wasted, it went on to produce the biggest family ever. The family of God. And there are people born (again) from this seed all the time. I’m one of them.
1 Corinthians 15:20-23
But now Christ is risen from the dead, and has become the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. For since by man came death, by Man also came the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ all shall be made alive. But each one in his own order: Christ the firstfruits, afterward those who are Christ’s at His coming.
That’s love. That’s the kind of love we are called to live in and through and share to others men. Love that looks beyond ourselves and chiefly aims to honor God.
grace and peace.